“Oh, I’m keeping busy,” I respond when asked how I fill my days. Busy with work, busy with cooking, tea making, errand running. Busy with anything that will fill my time so I don’t have even one second to sit and breath. So I don’t have time to let my mind wander, my thoughts trace back. But every so often, my mind quiets itself and just for a moment I breathe a solid, full breath. Mind you, this happens maybe once a week (if I’m lucky). But somehow it occurred to me only a few days ago what a soul lifting feeling this quieting of the mind brings. After 23 years of living, of thinking, dreaming, worrying, and keeping busy, I am now just realizing how much I yearn for these moments of reflection.
So why don’t I give myself this simple gift of stillness everyday? Why do I constantly fill my life with things, tasks, people, jobs that keep me so busy I can hardly catch my breath? I suppose a better question might be, why is it that when people ask us what we’re up to, we feel the need to explain all the things we do everyday that make us look ‘productive’ as if it’s not enough just to be. We must be doing. Doing something, anything to pass the time. I want to speak to the concept of productivity as I see it here in my L’Arche life. The phrase ‘productive members of society’ comes to mind; and for a long, long time that phrase held a lot of weight in how much a person’s life mattered-and if I’m being honest, I think it still shapes how we view people whether we realize it or not.
For the better part of my life, being productive, having something to show for the work I put in each and everyday has been a pillar of what I view as accomplishment. I’ve been taught to measure my worth in how I much do, how hard I work, how many boxes I tick, how many t’s I cross. And this leaves me always wanting more, wanting to achieve more to feel good about all I’ve accomplished. But when does it stop? Does this need to achieve, to be productive, to make more money, to make a name for myself ever stop? Is there room to breath? To stop the cycle of always needing to be doing something all the time?
If there was ever a place with room for stillness, I think I’ve found a space in L’Arche. I was warned going in as a high achieving U.S. native that the pace of life would be different. Understatement of the century. Yes, things get done here in due time, and it always seems to work out. But never before have I been forced into slowing my life down to such a peaceful pace. I use the word peaceful liberally, because I can barely contain myself in a chair if sitting for longer than 15 minutes-a side effect of my ‘productive’ upbringing… I didn’t realize how hard a time I would have slowing down my life, strolling through the park instead of scurrying along because I’m late for a meeting, stopping for a cup of tea every 20 minutes because we deserve it, simply sitting with someone without uttering a word. Now I’m forced to literally smell the roses along the paths of the castle gardens I walk with John, or smell the fresh breeze as I walk along with Paddy, kicking the soccer ball between us. And for those moments of peace, of stillness, of grace. I am grateful.
Adventure is out there 